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Dear Diary…

It was his birthday, the first since his passing. He may have been my grandfather, but he was my hero. Growing up, my life was riddled with negative and abusive men, but he was always kind, loving strong, chivalrous. He was everything that you’d expect the perfect man to be. So, as you can imagine, his death has been difficult for me. I’ve been drowning in a silo of anxiety for months, but every now and then I get a breath of fresh air. Thankfully my husband and my baby keep me distracted and sane. Also, being a parent keeps you from grieving. It’s hard to wallow when you’re wiping a butt and playing peek a boo. I was finally feeling like I was moving forward, sort of. But I guess I wasn’t ready for it. August 2 would have been my Grampa’s 80th birthday! It hit me hard and I spent a few hours wallowing after my baby went to sleep. I have this teddy bear my aunt made me out of his T-shirts. It comforted me until my husband came home. You know that feeling when someone you’re comfortable with shows up and then all your emotion just spills out? Suddenly I couldn’t stop the tears. My wonderful husband laid down with me and rubbed my back while I sobbed, holding my teddy. My heart is so broken and full of regret. I regret those last few years of not seeing him, I regret not calling him every single day, I regret not telling him exactly how much I love him. Never ever let the people you love forget how much you love them!


Just a simple human trying to pass the ultimate test.

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