My heart shudders each time I think of just your name. To feel your lips on mine, to taste the tip of your tongue, melts my ice cold heart into a puddle at my toes. I have longed for this love my whole life; to have you briefly would be but a tear drop of paradise. Yet each day I have walked this earth numb, with embers of pain below the surface, burning slowly yet never ending. The numbness protects me from knowing that you’re not mine. I ignore the embers for the blandness that is normal life. Yet when I sleep at night, your kiss haunts me. Your touch sets my body ablaze. At night I can close my eyes and see yours looking back at me. Passion pulses through me, like a vibration that shoots fire from my finger tips. Your arms close around me and your lips brush against mine. My whole body tingles against yours and I breathe, “I love you.” Because when I close my eyes at night, you are mine.
As I watch the cherry drag on this cigarette, smoke floats into the air. I feel the music as our love pounds in my chest, pulsing throughout my body. As you sit down next to me I feel more at ease. I haven’t been this relaxed in years. I bring the cigarette to my lips again, staring out at the trees from your balcony. You light up and make a joke about your neighbors, and take your first puff with a smile. I can’t help but steal kisses between puffs because your lips are just so delicious! I suddenly feel the warmth of your kiss in my blood, forcing a shudder from deep within me. Kissing you always sends my mind reeling and suddenly I’m 15 with butterflies in my stomach again. I’m not sure how you do it, but your kiss always intoxicates me. You put your cigarette out as you stand up, reaching out for me to take your hand. I take your hand and you throw me inside, closing the door behind you, and push me against the wall all at once. Before I know it, your body is against me, and your lips are moving against mine. I gasp for air as you pick me up and wrap my legs around your waist. Carrying me to your room, I wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you deeply. A moan escapes me as you bite my lower lip. Slamming the door and throwing me onto the bed, you turn to me and smile.
“What do you want?” You say, taking your shirt off and walking toward me slowly. I catch my breath and smile back.
“Oh I’m just going to sleep.” You ease yourself onto me and laugh.
“You can sleep tomorrow.”
Oh broken heart,
so sweet, so shattered.
In their eyes, it never really mattered.
Yet you see in your own eyes, in your soul.
All those that needed you, pleaded with you, left.
Kicking a cloud of dust in your face.
Now you are left, with only a bitter brokenness taking their place.
How did your path come to this?
on this broken road,
and are now wishing to explode.
Carry your ground upon your shoulders.
That burning desire, it smolders.
How have you seen so much,
yet you have missed that gentle touch?
Bring your sorrows to life.
Ink to paper.
Pour it all out like waves of steel.
heart like a fishing reel.
Where are you headed,
where have you been?
Such questions are embedded in dust,
sure to show themselves again.
But sweet friendship,
these lies you have seen.
They come and go,
proving you are alone.
Alone in the midst of a storm.
Burdening yourself with the broken heart you bury.
Ease your soul, young girl.
To recover, is not to hurry.
With every step she takes, she hears his name.
The small town she once loved is now the home of her every painful memory. Looking over her shoulder, there is a twinge of irony.
She strides like a tank, every move guarded.
All around her are reminders of the past.
Her heart is stumbling but her feet move faster and faster to the pace of her mind.
With each thought, one of her feet impales the ground.
She imagines the scars on her heart falling off as she runs, but the scars remain.
With the wind curling her hair and rocks jumping up under her feet, she feels the need to run forever.
Fear trembles through her body, beginning with her toes and reaching each cell within her.
Every molecule within her is seizing.
Her thoughts race, as do her feet. Her heart continues to stumble, tripping over itself.
Buildings and trees all around her are becoming a blur.
A voice whispers, “Keep running.”
Tears fall from her eyes and fly off her face as she runs; each one crashing to the ground.
A shield is forming around her stumbling heart.
In the middle of this shield is a crack.
She is becoming dependent on this shield and tank-like aura. Hoping the shield doesn’t split into two, she continues on.
The glass bottle she once trapped her emotions in has shattered, unable to handle the capacity of all she stuffed inside of it.
She is all she’s got.
He looked at me softly, and as he descended his beautiful body onto mine I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kissed me sweetly and for the first time in years, I felt like the only girl in the world. My heart fluttered as he put his fingers in my hair and wrapped his arm around my body. Our lips moved simultaneously together and my grip on his neck tightened. I felt our hearts synchronize and my mind eased, thinking only of how his lips were maneuvering mine to part. The tips of our tongues touched and in an instant, our forbidden love was forgotten. The air became so thin.. suddenly I could feel the world around me slow down, then stop. He held me tightly in his arms. I lost my breath as his body formed itself around mine. When I caught my breath, he was gazing into my eyes; his dark brown eyes softened to honey. Then he was kissing me again. With one hand he was holding my back, and with the other, he held my face to his. This was our last time, and I think we both knew it. Slowly, our bodies moved against each other, and as his mouth caressed my neck a small moan escaped me. My fingernails locked into his skin. His lips were like satin on my neck and shoulders. Brushing the hair from my forehead, his eyes met mine once again. With both hands I grabbed his face and kissed him with all the passion in my body. This sweet, heartbreaking moment brought tears to my eyes, but all I could do was feel the happiness he was giving me in that moment. My tongue curled around his and my nails scratched him as I pulled him closer. He could never be close enough… With our bodies grinding together and his hands on my body, I longed for something more… Slowly, we removed each others clothing. No words were spoken, only glances and kisses were shared. Within moments, there was nothing between our bodies but skin. I felt the warmth of his body all over mine. Suddenly it was all too much to bear. I pushed my hips into his and he gently slid into me. I gasped for air, and he kissed me again.
I wish I could tell you that I miss you. That I need you.
I wish I could say I am sorry for everything, that I’d do it all differently now.
I wish I could sink into your embrace.
I wish so much hadn’t happened, and that so much had.
I wish I could have just one more day with you; to tell you I love you, that you were my pillar, my safe harbor.
But since I can no longer tell you any of those things, I will write them to myself instead.
It was his birthday, the first since his passing. He may have been my grandfather, but he was my hero. Growing up, my life was riddled with negative and abusive men, but he was always kind, loving strong, chivalrous. He was everything that you’d expect the perfect man to be. So, as you can imagine, his death has been difficult for me. I’ve been drowning in a silo of anxiety for months, but every now and then I get a breath of fresh air. Thankfully my husband and my baby keep me distracted and sane. Also, being a parent keeps you from grieving. It’s hard to wallow when you’re wiping a butt and playing peek a boo. I was finally feeling like I was moving forward, sort of. But I guess I wasn’t ready for it. August 2 would have been my Grampa’s 80th birthday! It hit me hard and I spent a few hours wallowing after my baby went to sleep. I have this teddy bear my aunt made me out of his T-shirts. It comforted me until my husband came home. You know that feeling when someone you’re comfortable with shows up and then all your emotion just spills out? Suddenly I couldn’t stop the tears. My wonderful husband laid down with me and rubbed my back while I sobbed, holding my teddy. My heart is so broken and full of regret. I regret those last few years of not seeing him, I regret not calling him every single day, I regret not telling him exactly how much I love him. Never ever let the people you love forget how much you love them!